I was a faithless blogger. Over the past couple of years I have dropped posts into this blog willy-nilly, wandering around the terrain of unhouseholding like a prodigal daughter.
But recently I've had reason to return to this idea of letting go of material and emotional things. And finally I've been getting some clarity on the relationship between having less stuff while having more freedom.
It's painful to talk about the events that have brought me back to this blog. But maybe in talking about them, someone else will find help or solace or even inspiration. Or, at least I can hope for that.
Back in 2009 my divorce and the tumultuous events that led up to it was the first big letting go. I lost the husband but kept the 2000-square-foot house. It should have also been let go, but in my fear of losing stability, I clung to it.
In 2010, I lost my SUV on an icy bypass when another vehicle slid into mine (while the driver was texting, no less) and slammed it into an unforgiving cement highway divider. I was not seriously hurt, but I was frightened enough to replace the totaled SUV with another more crash-worthy one because I needed to feel safe.
In both 2009 and 2010, I worked at two jobs because I needed the security to pay for the divorce and to keep the house. In the latter year, I lost one job because the company was acquired by a larger company. I quit the other, since it was part-time, to take a full-time contract job that had potential to become permanent.
In 2010, my father, who was athletic and healthy throughout his life, was diagnosed with both an abdominal aneurysm and a low-grade lymphoma that required chemotherapy for the next three years. My mother, who has had heart problems most of her life, had a second heart valve replacement. I let go of the idea of having at least one healthy parent.
Later the same year I started a wonderful relationship with a man whom I knew from high school. We started to plan a future together when he became ill with terminal cancer. I lost him in October 2011, after almost a year of watching him battle his illness. There was no replacing him. And there was no way to make myself feel secure after what happened.
This year, there were a couple more lettings go. The contract job ended mid-summer with no chance of renewal. And my reliable boon companion for 10 years--Justice, White German Shepherd and Guardian of the Gates--took her leave last week due to an aggressive, fast-moving cancer.
And during all of this time, I kept the kind-of big house, still believing that it would give me some sort of stability.
It hasn't.
When I started this blog, I understood at an intellectual level the hazards of accumulating stuff, but I didn't know what it would take to move me at an emotional level towards action. I know now.
So this apparent litany of losses isn't laid out for you so that you will feel sorry for me at a distance. I simply ask that whoever reads this post to be a witness to my having had many things that I care about stripped away.
In the past, I did so many things from a place of fear, and it was just delaying my unhouseholding process. I covered up my fear and pain with replacements and put on a demeanor that appeared to say all was well. But it wasn't.
And, yes, letting go was painful and startling. But after the eardrum-bursting wake-up call comes the chance to begin again. This is where I'm at now.
I invite you to check in with me form time to time as I work on becoming a more faithful blogger and unhouseholder as I continue learning more about letting go.
